sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars