God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
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Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other