I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
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Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.