Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
$3 #books
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?