If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.