My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
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Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?