I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.