Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
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My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too