Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
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Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”