It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.