I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.