Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
You Might Also Like
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close