ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.