Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!