I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
We found love in a hopeless place.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..