God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.