Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.