I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
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I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Found my door mat
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
shampoo implies shampee
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…