*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that