What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
DOOO EEEET
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.