Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”