PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Just this preview of the story is enough
Nice try Hitler
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”