Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.