Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
You Might Also Like
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.