Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Just a reminder, folks:
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.