Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
i baked you a cake
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent