Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
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ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture