After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.