I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Sounds about right. 😂🤣