Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.