The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke