Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
What?!?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.