“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.