[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles