My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.