Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Brands during Pride
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”