BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
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Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then