Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color