Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
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A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.