You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted