I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Good morning!
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!