Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
You Might Also Like
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it