I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]