Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
my retirement plan is braless
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
no their not
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police