My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere