“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
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Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
No. He’s not coming out to play
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.