ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen