This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried