[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.