It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.